I know we all know the saying "Put your big girl panties on". I've pulled them up and put them on so much that this hundred/thousand/whatthefrickever mile an hour tape isn't even holding them together any more. First off, this is my very first deployment. I'm in the rough and tough of the first month (6 days in now) and my husband hasn't even left the states yet. That's right, he's STILL at his pre-mob site. You know, that place where they go to get ready to go to the 'other' place that we don't like yet somehow we feel better because they're no longer 'in our reach'. I talk to him daily, and I find myself going "GAH! Stop calling me!!" But I tell myself enjoy it now because when he gets to the hell hole he may go months without calling. I want to enjoy it, I really do..but it's just so fricken hard!!! He's usually calling when I"m busy doing something, or when I'm having a good moment and not missing him to pieces.
That's right! I admitted it, I'm a sissy! I miss my husband already and he's not even in a dangerous place yet..But I have every right to. I'm used to laying in bed beside him, used to him coming home from 'work'..(I'm a stay at home mom btw). Used to him helping me out with our not yet two year old son who thinks he is two and has been in the terrible twos since nine months and has been a pistol these past few days to the point that mommy nearly lost her schmidt a few times and has been eyeing the bottle of red wine in the fridge while mentally telling herself that wine is not a coping agent. AHHH! Try getting that out in one breath.
And of course within 3 days of him being gone i find out the 'wonderful' news that my transmission in my van had to be replaced as well as the C.V joint. And by transmission needing to be replaced I mean it went to crap and needed to be rebuilt. Hmm..nice reliable van..(it really was) decent miles (only 115K) something starting to go wrong EVERY 3 months it seemed..OR car payment..Car payment won and I'm driving around in a used X-Terra. And don't even get me started on the process for the loan application with my bank where (and here we go for another one breath-er) I spent an hour waiting for the lady to call me back with my 'I don't sit still for more than 5 minutes unless I want to' 18MO in his stroller squirming and getting pissy and hitting mommy and mommy was letting it go because she knows he's just acting out from daddy being gone (and believe me, he knows daddy is gone and he's not coming back for a while, but I'll touch on that later) so she tells him no and swats his hand and gets dirty looks from people all the while praying that someone hurries up and calls her back only to get called back by the new girl, though mommy didn't know that at the time and we sit for another hour while the girl fills out our info and does it wrong which we find out three hours later when mommy checks the status and sees it was denied and calls to find out why and the guy can't tell her anything because she is using a POA because the daddy is the only one working but she had a feeling it had something to do with the income because the new girls only asked for base pay and not BHA and BSA so we go back and sit for another hour to wait only to have it filled out again and this time the 18MO is much worse and he's screaming and the bank had been closed for half an hour by the time we were leaving and it was all holy hell to the point mommy was almost crying and she finds out the loan is conditionally approved and has to show the bank a LES that she won't get until the 15th and thank GOD the guy we bought the X-Terra from is close with us and knows us well.
AHEM! Yes..that 'was' fun...So I get to wait until the LES shows, and when I messaged the bank about the loan they said I have 14 days (from today) to provide the LES which I can so we're good.
BUT! back to the 18MO. Everyone kept saying and I am paraphrasing so don't quote me "Oh he's so young he won't know or remember or notice a thing" LIARS!!! All of you! He does so..he knew when we took daddy to drop him off what was going on, and today is the first 'normal' day I've had where I haven't wanted to tear my hair out and crawl under a rock until he relaxes. Let me explain..my son is smart..VERY smart..BUT he likes to play dumb, not so much now that he knows mommy knows the game, but he also gets frustrated when he can't express what he wants very well (we're still learning to talk here). Or when he wants to do stuff he thinks is fun but is dangerous and mommy says no. So you see smart child, stubborn child, LOTS of tantrums. Most of them aren't so bad, but here lately with daddy gone they've seemed unbearable. And let me explain something about my kid. He mirrors mommy: If I am mad, he is, if I am sad, he is. SO I have to keep my emotions in check. IF mommy is having a normal day (as normal as I can) JOseph seems to as well. I know he doesn't intentionally make me want to drown myself in a bottle of wine, BUT he does, and some days I wanna curl up in my bed pull on some Ariel panties and tell someone else to take care of my little darling WhoISwearHasHornsHoldingUpHisHalo.
My kid is adorable, and he knows it. And right now Mommy can not leave his sight or be away from him for more than he is comfortable with or all heck breaks loose.
And of course I haven't been sleeping well, because I completely loathe my bedroom. Clean clothes sit not put away because I don't want to put my husbands away yet. Yea, yea rag on me all you want, we all have different coping methods!!! My house stays in a slight state or dissaray so that way while the 18mo naps I can keep my mind busy. It works somewhat..busy busy...right..Most the time I wanna lay on the couch and just curl up in a ball and pretend this is all a nightmare. BUT I will get through, hence the purpose of this blog. I -could- journal..but that doesn't work and i end up second guessing myself, so blogging has won! Who knows, maybe another first timer will find my blog and find humor in my plight...one can only hope..
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