I'm not really sure how to even start off this post. I'm being real..just open honest and me. Something I don't think I've been in a long long time. This post is sorta in response to something that I read from Single Dad Laughing. If you've never heard of him you can find him on facebook and he also has a blog up. I'm following it..don't know if you can see that on my page but if you can it's Danoah I believe and this guy is amazing. It is also in part to do with my body, mind, heart, and soul so full of emotions that if I don't expel them now I feel I will burst. I'm not sure who will read this; whether it's people who are following me, random people just wanting to read or people from my facebook. For once I don't really feel that I care. Anyway, on with the blog.
I'm going to be Real. At least as real as I can be. I've got sucky self-esteem. If you ask me who I think my own worst enemy is I'm going to say me. I'm probably a big pain in the butt at times, in fact it wouldn't surprise me if people really thought I was. Despite how I may come across I'm actually a very shy person. I worry about what other people might think about what I do or say so I always watch my actions. I've found that wearing your heart on your sleeve is a bad thing to do because that leaves it open for anyone to take a shot at it; and usually it hurts when they're done. I've found that there are very few people I can actually trust in this world because someone has let me down in someway one time or another; even the ones I thought wouldn't ever. I've found I don't have half as many friends as I thought I did because they can't handle me being me and want to change me somehow; or they just don't like who I am. What happened to acceptance? I've been trampled on, taken advantage of in the worst possible way, I've been tricked and cheated, and hurt by ones I love or at one point loved most. I've never been very good at anything, and have been told that I am too blunt and straightforward. I can't pretend to be something I am not and I can not say something I do not mean. ( In the sense that while there is a time for sugar-coating; most of the time I do not). I've never felt good enough for anything or anyone and always felt that anything good that came my way would quickly leave because I didn't deserve it. I've had the luck of 3 my entire life. Either 3 good or 3 bad. I've always hated how I looked (and still do). Though I think part of that can play in with what my grandmother kept telling me when I was younger. I'm a strong and independent woman. I trust few, but love with all my heart. And when I give my heart to someone it takes a lot for me to do. I don't just do things because it's cool. I could never just kiss someone because everyone else was. If there wasn't any emotion attached, it didn't happen. I feel lost right now. Out of touch and out of reach of reality. I'm a mother to a wonderful baby boy who makes me happier than anything but deep down I feel like a scared little girl and all I want to do is cry. Most the time I swallow my pain and my tears and push forward telling myself I'm stronger than that and I can get by. Truth is, I can't. I'm a weak individual who has put her trust in someone; someone she thought wouldn't break it in a million years and they have. On countless occasions, and always over stupid stuff. I want to say I know I'm not perfect. But all I've ever said to him is I expect from him what he expects from me. I know he works hard to provide for our son and I. He does this and I get to stay at home and I appreciate that. Am I wrong in asking him to help me with the trash, or cooking dinner, or dishes, or cleaning up around the house (whether it is after himself, or our son, or even me)? Am I wrong in thinking that maybe he might put me first instead of himself, or someone else? Am I wrong in feeling tired of being the last priority on his list? Am I wrong for feeling left behind and forgotten as a woman, but forever there as the wife and mother? If only he would understand..but I feel no matter how many times I tell him; no matter what way I tell him he never will. I feel as if I am fighting a losing battle, maybe solely against myself. I've been told I over-analyze and I think far too deeply into things as I should. Not this time...the man that everyone else gets to see is not the man I get at home..I am who I am..I am real. I hate myself. I can admit that, I hate the person I see looking back at me. I am a wife and I am a mother, but I am no longer me. I have donned stereotypical labels for myself because there is no longer any time for me. What I want and what I need don't seem to matter anymore. Everyone expects something from me; whether it's the baby (and he doesn't count, I brought him into this world and treasure every moment with him. But I do need a break sometimes) or the husband or someone else. I am expected to go a certain place, act a certain way, do a certain thing. And that's it. Like it or not I go and I do. The one person that should care about me, doesn't really seem to anymore. The one person that should put me first, more often puts me last. I feel as if I have lost my identity. I'm certain any of the readers might say I'm just being overly dramatic, but you don't know because you don't live in my shoes. The outside person I portray has never been the person inside. Inside I was always a scared little girl, and when I took a chance and gave away my heart little bit by little bit that person is slowly chipping the pieces away. I wonder what will happen when there is nothing left. Who I will be where will I stand then? I hate that I love this person with all my heart, would do anything in the world for them and I feel as if they do not see it. More effort goes into everything else than I get, and our son gets. I feel as if our son and myself are the last 2 that mean anything to him. If our son comes before me I don't care, I'd actually like that. I've told him this time and time again and it all falls on deaf ears. Yet, maybe in the end it's me. Somehow it's easier to take the blame for all this. Even when given the opportunity for me time I'd rather spend it with him and our son. There's a feeling there that somehow makes this all bearable. Or does that just make me a fool? I get "me" time. When the baby is asleep and he's gone at work. I have it then, and I don't like the wanderings my mind does. the emptiness that begins to settle in. Maybe in the end I'm making something out of nothing. maybe in the end I'm wrong. maybe this is all my fault. And maybe somewhere down the road one morning I'll wake up and see just how different things are and how this was just a grain of sand and not the mountain I felt it to be. maybe someday I'll find me, but for now I'll stick to just being real. Comment if you want, if I don't like what you've said I'll delete it that simple.
