Screw you big girl panties, I want Ariel back!

I know we all know the saying "Put your big girl panties on".  I've pulled them up and put them on so much that this hundred/thousand/whatthefrickever mile an hour tape isn't even holding them together any more.  First off, this is my very first deployment.  I'm in the rough and tough of the first month (6 days in now) and my husband hasn't even left the states yet.  That's right, he's STILL at his pre-mob site.  You know, that place where they go to get ready to go to the 'other' place that we don't like yet somehow we feel better because they're no longer 'in our reach'.  I talk to him daily, and I find myself going "GAH! Stop calling me!!"  But I tell myself enjoy it now because when he gets to the hell hole he may go months without calling.  I want to enjoy it, I really do..but it's just so fricken hard!!!  He's usually calling when I"m busy doing something, or when I'm having a good moment and not missing him to pieces.
That's right! I admitted it, I'm a sissy!  I miss my husband already and he's not even in a dangerous place yet..But I have every right to.  I'm used to laying in bed beside him, used to him coming home from 'work'..(I'm a stay at home mom btw).  Used to him helping me out with our not yet two year old son who thinks he is two and has been in the terrible twos since nine months and has been a pistol these past few days to the point that mommy nearly lost her schmidt a few times and has been eyeing the bottle of red wine in the fridge while mentally telling herself that wine is not a coping agent. AHHH!  Try getting that out in one breath.
And of course within 3 days of him being gone i find out the 'wonderful' news that my transmission in my van had to be replaced as well as the C.V joint.  And by transmission needing to be replaced I mean it went to crap and needed to be rebuilt.  Hmm..nice reliable van..(it really was) decent miles (only 115K) something starting to go wrong EVERY 3 months it seemed..OR car payment..Car payment won and I'm driving around in a used X-Terra. And don't even get me started on the process for the loan application with my bank where (and here we go for another one breath-er) I spent an hour waiting for the lady to call me back with my 'I don't sit still for more than 5 minutes unless I want to' 18MO in his stroller squirming and getting pissy and hitting mommy and mommy was letting it go because she knows he's just acting out from daddy being gone (and believe me, he knows daddy is gone and he's not coming back for a while, but I'll touch on that later) so she tells him no and swats his hand and gets dirty looks from people all the while praying that someone hurries up and calls her back only to get called back by the new girl, though mommy didn't know that at the time and we sit for another hour while the girl fills out our info and does it wrong which we find out three hours later when mommy checks the status and sees it was denied and calls to find out why and the guy can't tell her anything because she is using a POA because the daddy is the only one working but she had a feeling it had something to do with the income because the new girls only asked for base pay and not BHA and BSA so we go back and sit for another hour to wait only to have it filled out again and this time the 18MO is much worse and he's screaming and the bank had been closed for half an hour by the time we were leaving and it was all holy hell to the point mommy was almost crying and she finds out the loan is conditionally approved and has to show the bank a LES that she won't get until the 15th and thank GOD the guy we bought the X-Terra from is close with us and knows us well.
AHEM!  Yes..that 'was' fun...So I get to wait until the LES shows, and when I messaged the bank about the loan they said I have 14 days (from today) to provide the LES which I can so we're good.
BUT! back to the 18MO.  Everyone kept saying and I am paraphrasing so don't quote me "Oh he's so young he won't know or remember or notice a thing" LIARS!!! All of you!  He does so..he knew when we took daddy to drop him off what was going on, and today is the first 'normal' day I've had where I haven't wanted to tear my hair out and crawl under a rock until he relaxes.  Let me explain..my son is smart..VERY smart..BUT he likes to play dumb, not so much now that he knows mommy knows the game, but he also gets frustrated when he can't express what he wants very well (we're still learning to talk here).  Or when he wants to do stuff he thinks is fun but is dangerous and mommy says no.  So you see smart child, stubborn child, LOTS of tantrums.  Most of them aren't so bad, but here lately with daddy gone they've seemed unbearable.  And let me explain something about my kid.  He mirrors mommy: If I am mad, he is, if I am sad, he is.  SO I have to keep my emotions in check.  IF mommy is having a normal day (as normal as I can) JOseph seems to as well.  I know he doesn't intentionally make me want to drown myself in a bottle of wine, BUT he does, and some days I wanna curl up in my bed pull on some Ariel panties and tell someone else to take care of my little darling WhoISwearHasHornsHoldingUpHisHalo.
My kid is adorable, and he knows it.  And right now Mommy can not leave his sight or be away from him for more than he is comfortable with or all heck breaks loose.
And of course I haven't been sleeping well, because I completely loathe my bedroom.  Clean clothes sit not put away because I don't want to put my husbands away yet. Yea, yea rag on me all you want, we all have different coping methods!!! My house stays in a slight state or dissaray so that way while the 18mo naps I can keep my mind busy.  It works somewhat..busy busy...right..Most the time I wanna lay on the couch and just curl up in a ball and pretend this is all a nightmare.  BUT I will get through, hence the purpose of this blog.  I -could- journal..but that doesn't work and i end up second guessing myself, so blogging has won!  Who knows, maybe another first timer will find my blog and find humor in my plight...one can only hope..

Lets be 'Real'

I'm not really sure how to even start off this post.  I'm being real..just open honest and me.  Something I don't think I've been in a long long time. This post is sorta in response to something that I read from Single Dad Laughing.  If you've never heard of him you can find him on facebook and he also has a blog up.  I'm following it..don't know if you can see that on my page but if you can it's Danoah I believe and this guy is amazing.  It is also in part to do with my body, mind, heart, and soul so full of emotions that if I don't expel them now I feel I will burst.  I'm not sure who will read this; whether it's people who are following me, random people just wanting to read or people from my facebook.  For once I don't really feel that I care.  Anyway, on with the blog.
    I'm going to be Real.  At least as real as I can be.  I've got sucky self-esteem.  If you ask me who I think my own worst enemy is I'm going to say me.  I'm probably a big pain in the butt at times, in fact it wouldn't surprise me if people really thought I was.  Despite how I may come across I'm actually a very shy person.  I worry about what other people might think about what I do or say so I always watch my actions.  I've found that wearing your heart on your sleeve is a bad thing to do because that leaves it open for anyone to take a shot at it; and usually it hurts when they're done.  I've found that there are very few people I can actually trust in this world because someone has let me down in someway one time or another; even the ones I thought wouldn't ever.  I've found I don't have half as many friends as I thought I did because they can't handle me being me and want to change me somehow; or they just don't like who I am.  What happened to acceptance?  I've been trampled on, taken advantage of in the worst possible way, I've been tricked and cheated, and hurt by ones I love or at one point loved most.  I've never been very good at anything, and have been told that I am too blunt and straightforward.  I can't pretend to be something I am not and I can not say something I do not mean. ( In the sense that while there is a time for sugar-coating; most of the time I do not).  I've never felt good enough for anything or anyone and always felt that anything good that came my way would quickly leave because I didn't deserve it.  I've had the luck of 3 my entire life.  Either 3 good or 3 bad.  I've always hated how I looked (and still do).  Though I think part of that can play in with what my grandmother kept telling me when I was younger.  I'm a strong and independent woman.  I trust few, but love with all my heart.  And when I give my heart to someone it takes a lot for me to do.  I don't just do things because it's cool.  I could never just kiss someone because everyone else was.  If there wasn't any emotion attached, it didn't happen.  I feel lost right now.  Out of touch and out of reach of reality.  I'm a mother to a wonderful baby boy who makes me happier than anything but deep down I feel like a scared little girl and all I want to do is cry.  Most the time I swallow my pain and my tears and push forward telling myself I'm stronger than that and I can get by.  Truth is, I can't.  I'm a weak individual who has put her trust in someone; someone she thought wouldn't break it in a million years and they have.  On countless occasions, and always over stupid stuff.  I want to say  I know I'm not perfect.  But all I've ever said to him is I expect from him what he expects from me.  I know he works hard to provide for our son and I.  He does this and I get to stay at home and I appreciate that.  Am I wrong in asking him to help me with the trash, or cooking dinner, or dishes, or cleaning up around the house (whether it is after himself, or our son, or even me)?  Am I wrong in thinking that maybe he might put me first instead of himself, or someone else?  Am I wrong in feeling tired of being the last priority on his list? Am I wrong for feeling left behind and forgotten as a woman, but forever there as the wife and mother?  If only he would understand..but I feel no matter how many times I tell him; no matter what way I tell him he never will.  I feel as if I am fighting a losing battle, maybe solely against myself.  I've been told I over-analyze and I think far too deeply into things as I should.  Not this time...the man that everyone else gets to see is not the man I get at home..I am who I am..I am real.  I hate myself.  I can admit that, I hate the person I see looking back at me.  I am a wife and I am a mother, but I am no longer me.  I have donned stereotypical labels for myself because there is no longer any time for me.  What I want and what I need don't seem to matter anymore.  Everyone expects something from me; whether it's the baby (and he doesn't count, I brought him into this world and treasure every moment with him.  But I do need a break sometimes) or the husband or someone else.  I am expected to go a certain place, act a certain way, do a certain thing.  And that's it.  Like it or not I go and I do. The one person that should care about me, doesn't really seem to anymore.  The one person that should put me first, more often puts me last.  I feel as if I have lost my identity.  I'm certain any of the readers might say I'm just being overly dramatic, but you don't know because you don't live in my shoes.  The outside person I portray has never been the person inside.  Inside I was always a scared little girl, and when I took a chance and gave away my heart little bit by little bit that person is slowly chipping the pieces away.  I wonder what will happen when there is nothing left.  Who I will be where will I stand then?  I hate that I love this person with all my heart, would do anything in the world for them and I feel as if they do not see it.  More effort goes into everything else than I get, and our son gets.  I feel as if our son and myself are the last 2 that mean anything to him.  If our son comes before me I don't care, I'd actually like that.  I've told him this time and time again and it all falls on deaf ears.  Yet, maybe in the end it's me.  Somehow it's easier to take the blame for all this.  Even when given the opportunity for me time I'd rather spend it with him and our son.  There's a feeling there that somehow makes this all bearable.  Or does that just make me a fool?  I get "me" time.  When the baby is asleep and he's gone at work.  I have it then, and I don't like the wanderings my mind does.  the emptiness that begins to settle in.  Maybe in the end I'm making something out of nothing.   maybe in the end I'm wrong.  maybe this is all my fault.  And maybe somewhere down the road one morning I'll wake up and see just how different things are and how this was just a grain of sand and not the mountain I felt it to be.  maybe someday I'll find me, but for now I'll stick to just being real.  Comment if you want, if I don't like what you've said I'll delete it that simple.

Forever and a Day

So, it's been forever (or so it seems) since I've been on here. Sorry all, life just got away from me.  So to update.  My son now has 2 bottom teeth that are working their way to fully coming in.  I got a nice size..12! dress for my anniversary dinner with my husband.  I was super excited to try it on and find out it fit perfectly. =)  I tried this new stir-fry for dinner a few nights ago which was absolutely delicious so I will definitely be making it again.  If anyone is interested in the recipe I'll share.  This is really just a short update.  I'm still exercising.  Still working on dropping the lbs.  I've dropped another one so I'm roughly staying within my 1 lb a week goal.  managing to work different muscles now 'cause I've been doing better and even capable of doing more than I could before. =) That's really all for now, it's late so I need to catch some sleep. My husband comes home on Saturday! So excited. <3

Can I Make It?

I've got 10 days left to go and I find it to be a miracle I've lasted this long.  I'm so exhausted now that I am functioning below 50%.  The exercising that usually perks me up isn't doing anything now because my body, mind, and emotions are just all drained at this point.  I force myself to function during the day, and it wouldn't be so bad if Joseph would nap BUT his bottom two teeth are cutting through the gums now sooo he's not.  He'll be tired and then he just won't sleep.  And mommy can barely take care of herself so she really doesn't have the patience to deal with him.  I swear that makes me feel like a bad mommy but it's so the truth.  I'm soo tired that I'm dragging and barely capable of functioning, and when he begins to cry it's like someone dragging nails down a chalkboard that I feel like I'm gonna spaz.  I've got him in his crib right now with a bottle HOPING that he'll suck on that and knock himself out.  He's sooo tired, you can see it in his face but he just refuses to go to sleep.  And what really sucks is he went to bed late last night, woke up at 3:30 this morning and then fell back asleep until around 7.  And the thing is everyone keeps telling me "Put him to bed later and he'll wake up later" Not my son.  The latest we can put him to bed without him waking up through the night and wayyy early in the morning is 8:30. Any time past 8:30 and you can count on him waking up in the middle of the night and then wake up for good usually around the same time he does normally.  IF we put him to sleep earlier, and when I say put him to sleep earlier I mean he just fell asleep earlier we can count on him waking up at least once if not twice through the night and then earlier in the morning than normal.  And so of course with him teething it REALLY doesn't help. And I've tried everything. From the tablets, to the orajel, to the green onions, to the teething rings he refuses to chew on. To the vanilla..but now with the teeth having broken through the gum he won't even let you put your finger near it to rub something cool on them..so yea..nuff said..I know they say the first teeth are always the hardest, so I'm hoping that when his top teeth come through it'll be a little easier.  And that's the BIG kicker, he's also going to be cutting those soon according to his pediatrician.  She said at his doc apt. yesterday that he's working on those too.. Usually a car ride can help get him to sleep when he's like this BUT I don't have the energy to drive without fear of passing out behind the wheel so I'm screwed..Between him teething and Bageira (my cat) bugging me off and on all night it's just been hell.  If it's not Joseph or Bageira waking me up (and Bageira has been good about that) it's noises waking me up..ugh..10 days..seems like 100..

night

I just wanted to say that i've managed to drop another lb and I weighed myself WITH my clothes on so that's good, I've not done any awful snacking, and kept my portions small. Even got to do some of my exercising today.  Joseph is asleep right now and I am headed that way.  On an up note tried a new stir-fry dish tonight and it turned out awesome! No left overs at all. I made it myself. My mom step dad joseph and I ate it.  My mom and step-dad had seconds. =) Anyway, just wanted to say that. night all!

*sigh*

Soo I can pretty much say I probably spazzed out and over-reacted, but my feelings were just soo hurt and the last nerve I had had been plucked.  For like 3 months now I've had a broken printer..the stupid color cartridge won't work right.  I get an error message telling me something is wrong with it and it needs to be fixed..so I follow the basic troubleshooting errors and it fixes it..or so i think..The error goes away, I reboot the printer it's still gone..I try to print..NOTHING. ...Stupid HP printer..The only other troubleshooting thing is to CLEAN the cartridge..but guess what I don't need color..I  just need black ink to print out a  recipe that i don't have time to copy down 'cause it's long and the stupid printer won't let me. It then spazzes out 'cause a color cartridge isn't in and won't let me print..still..irritating.  On top of that my laptop has windows 7 and this printer came out before windows 7 so I had to go round my tail to get to my elbow just to get it to install. I did that and it worked well enough until 3 months ago when that dumb error popped up.  I thought I fixed it because it worked, BUT when I went to print this morning stupid error comes back.  it's so hard to try to fix something when you have a 9 month old trying to get at your laptop an the printer WHILE you're trying to fix it.  Can we say short-temperment?  Wait, I didn't throw in he was throwing a tantrum because I kept telling him no..yep..for an hour..yep..@_@ I was ready to start tearing my hair out, ontop of that at this point my husband decides to text me..so I have a stupid printer that I asked him to fix 3 months ago being a stinker a kid screaming and throwing a tantrum because I'm not letting him play with the printer and the laptop AND a husband (who is gone for 2 more weeks) texting me.  I could deal wiht the texts cause I didn't mind talking to him but it's hard enough to stay sane when you've got all that going on at once.  Soo I told him I was busy sry and that I was ready to kill our kid. NOT literally. But the printer was seriously bugging me because it just did not want to behave and kept saying offline, soo it's on my computer twice for whatever reason and when I clicked the "active" printer it tries to send a fax..don't ask me why..trust me I was ready to kill the thing.  ANYway, well my husbands responds with "hahaha what's he doing getting into everything?" Yep..I lost it.  I couldn't help it.  this is the man that can't stand our son crying at all..KNOWS it's been hell around our apt for the past week and what all Joseph has been doing...and he laughs..I flipped.  I told him it wasn't funny, that it was pretty irritating and that the printer was basically being a brat and not doing what i needed it to and that Joseph was throwing a tantrum and that he needed to realize it wasn't cute or funny and that he needed to back off.  Did I mention I spazzed?  Yes, I realize now I pretty much over-reacted. But I just couldn't help it.  His little response of "hahaha" just plucked my last nerve.  I was so mad at him for finding it humorous that I just snapped.  i sent him an audio clip of our kid screaming, and told him I don't care if he thought I had over-reacted that it kinda upset me that when he's stressing I have to leave him alone but when I'm stressing he can pick on me all he wants.  Did I mention last night we JUST had a convo about him picking on me so much?  That's his way of showing love he says, I told him that it's hard to associate something with love that has been associated with pain. Yes, I got teased and picked on a lot growing up.  AND I told him I didn't want anymore texts from him and not to expect a happy welcome home or the massage I told him I'd give him..yea..I lost it.  I regret it slightly now, but my feelings were (and still are a little) just so hurt.  It was like of all the nerve, and it didn't help that he was the one that was supposed to have fixed it anyway.  Electronics and I don't get along.  usually when they break, it's on me, and they don't like for me to fix them..I don't know why.  I mean it's hard to explain (unless you've been in a similar situation) how frustrating it is when you need the printer to work (and I do, I actually have some important stuff I need to print out, just NOT in color), it's not working and no matter what you do it doesn't want to, then to top it off you're fighting your child to keep them away and when  you nicely tell them no and move them away from the object they begin to cry as if you had beaten them and throw a tantrum.  I was losing my patience, but keeping it under control.  And not with my son, but with the printer.  Joseph was just being innocently curious because mommy was playing with something that made noise and he wanted to investigate. It was the p.o.s printer that wanted to be a brat and not do what i needed it to.  Soo my husband texts me and i respond with busy thinking he'll realize he needs to just let me go..NOPE.. Part of me wants to text him I'm sorry I over-reacted but another part of me is like "No, I've told him time and time again that kinda stuff isn't funny" And it just really gets to me because he has little to no patience once our kid starts to scream and hasn't even had to spend one full day at our kids beck and call. I've done a week.  And to top that off Joseph is teething right now so he's extra onry and the slightest thing sometimes can send him into screams and sobs just because of how sleepy and irritable he is.  I'm just so hurt by it because to me I feel he was being insensitive.  it's not like he doesn't realize those responses frustrate me, because he knows.  He told me that it was funny how now all of a sudden having been away from Joseph all the little things that irritated him he finds cute.  So knowing that, and seeing his response. i wanted to smack him and go "oh yea so cute, you come try this and tell me how cute it is"  My husband has not had to go one day without me being there to help him out concerning our son..and a lot of this could have been prevented had he just fixed it..BUT I messaged him told him I was sry I overreacted and that he had hurt my feelings and they still were..I'm just so over it..between these past two days I'm ready to become a missing person...

LONG Day

As my title suggests, today has been a long day.  I got to do a 30 minute walk today, but not my usual extra exercises, so I made sure to do a little bit extra walking.  For breakfast I had a waffle. NOT the healthiest of choices, but in between pay days you have to make due with what you've got.  Lunch included some tortilla stripes and a peanut butter sandwhich.  And Dinner was part of a chicken breast, baked with cavenders, garlic and onion seasonings, with some cubed potatoes with pepper.  My son is being a stinker and driving me crazy.  He's currently cutting both his bottom teeth is cranky and sleepy but prefers to cry instead of going to sleep.  He's had teething tablets and his medicine and a bottle. *Sigh*  My husband is gone for the next 17 days and I swear I feel like I'm going insane already. As of right now I plan on trying to get in some of my exercise DVD, but that remains to be seen. I wish my son would just cut his two bottom teeth already, but these things take patience, and I am quickly running out of it.  I've learned my lesson though; NEVER ask God for patience.  he does answer.  In my utter boredom and stir-craziness today I re-organized mine and my husbands dressers along with my side of the room.  I did that in between of putting away the laundry that I did.  I didn't snack at all today, which is a big thing for me and makes me feel a lot better.  I am still down the one lb, and am hoping to lose another one by the end of this week.  I did however have some soda today, it was mountain dew because I needed energy to chase my son around.  I get very irritable and grumpy when I am tired and or lacking sleep, so it takes every ounce of self control I have NOT to take it out on my son.  Anyway, this is a short post, just updating you guys on my day, my meals, my victories and my losses.

Tip of the Day: Remember that you will fluctuate between two or three lbs, but if you're noticing 5 or more, you need to watch it.  The best time to weigh yourself for a true weight is first thing in the morning. Null clothes.  Those who weight themselves daily tend to watch their weight closer. I weight myself in the morning after my exercising and in the evening to watch my fluctuation.

That's all for now, stick it out and hang in there!